I don't know if it's just me, but the thought of saying it's "2009" is just strange. I'm pretty sure it's because how much hype 2008 had, especially in my life and those my age. 2008 was a BIGGGG year for me. Looking back at my journal from last year (and I always write something on January 1st), I wrote about how this was the year that I had been "waiting" for, the year I would graduate high school and start a new chapter of my life in college. So many things happened. Crazy musical drama, college decisions, prom, graduation, working at the pool, Cape May, my last year at Camp Lambec, the mission trip to New Orleans, and finally going off to Westminster, where, as predicted, my life has changed drastically. It's kind of like...now "my year" is coming to a close. The year I could totally count on being a good one, or at least a life-altering one, is almost over.
What lies ahead is now both entirely exciting and also scary. It's totally exciting in that I KNOW my spring semester at school is going to be so amazing. How do I know, you might ask? Well, let's see. I have an amazing group of friends, an insanely incredible boyfriend, and a new schedule. I could possibly be joining a sorority. The weather will...eventually...be actual spring. I'm a bird girl in Seussical for Chapel drama. :) Sunshineeee..what could be better?
But it's also scary. Maybe scary isn't the right word. This year has a touch of uncertainty to it. On the way home from my grandparent's house this Christmas, my mom said firmly that that would probably be our last Christmas in Gallitzin. And you know what, I think she might be right. I hate turning this into a depressing post, but the reality is, my grandparents might be here next Christmas. Or if they are, or one of them anyway, I don't think they'll be in that house anymore. (And they shouldn't be now, but we won't get into that) The strangest thing about that is that it's kind of like I've been anticipating (and not happily) that time to come for a few years now. Every New Years I have this feeling in my stomach, wondering, is it going to be this year? So when it does come, I can just imagine the kind of release it will have on the shoulders of my family. If you know my family's situation, you know how much time and stress and worry and everything all of my aunt's and uncle's have been through. I don't want to call it a relief. I don't know what it is. But that's just something that is accompanying what is mostly an exciting plung into the new year.
It's also scary in that what summer will be like. I know that it's only been two weeks of Christmas break and I want to go back to school so badly. I don't know how I'm supposed to go three months without seeing everyone all the time. Luckily, I'm sure to be working (RIGHT, economy?) so that will be motivation to get money for school.
Have you ever been driving in your car and you get REALLY thoughtful, especially when you're listening to the right kind of music? Today, I was driving home from the mall and listening to the new Chris Tomlin cd. I was peering in the rearview mirror at a really long stop light and looking at the people behind me in their car (creeper, I know) and I saw these two Asian women, I'm assuming mother and daughter. And they weren't talking, wrapped up in their thoughts and looking out of their windows. And I wondered what their lives were like. What their relationship was like. And then I thought about the whole concept of cars and how we sit in these things and go places, but how often do we stop and think about the individual IN that car? Maybe their drive today gave them the chance to get away from what's going on in their life. Or maybe it's not getting them where they need to be quite fast enough to solve what needs to be fixed. Or maybe they're traveling to a new place to start a new time in their life. I don't know. It's weird to think about it that way. Or just that every single person in general has a story. They all have something going on in their lives, even if they don't show it. People watching can be so fascinating. Authors sometimes say that's how they get ideas for characters. They watch others and imagine what could be going on with them at home, at the office, with their spouses or children. I don't know. Most likely, you're reading this and thinking, "Okay Marissa, get some more sleep and change your music next time." :)
This is the first year in probably the past 4 or 5 years or so that I won't be celebrating New Years Eve with a big group of my friends. The one farthest back that I can remember was at Tori's house back in 8th grade? Or maybe 9th. Yeah, I think 9th. We all wore sparkly black outfits and somehow Tracy won the contest, even though all she wore was some silver tinsel as a scarf with a black shirt and jeans Hahaa. But it was a good time. I don't know how we managed to keep ourselves entertained in Tori's room the whole time, but we took pictures and had a good time. And then I recall New Years at Brittany's house with the ladies, which included hot tubbing and games. And then Jill hosted two parties at her house, which were both really fun. And this year, it's kind of like a strange situation with everyone back from their separate colleges. Not everyone's kept in touch, people aren't sure who to spend the night with. But this year, I'm spending the night with Aaron and I am soooo excited. I can't wait.
I need to get back into the blogging spirit. Or at least the writing spirit. I hate when I get so busy that I don't write and then I want to write but there's just too much to say. Shannon and I were talking about that the other day...about wanting to write, but having too much to write so you give up all together. But sometimes you just got to pick up, start wherever you are in life, and continue. Yes, you may lose that time in between, but it's worth it if you start writing again, instead of continuing to put it off. Gotta love the writer in you...it causes you to ramble about nonsense, just like I am now! Woo!
I think my problem is that I get distracted whilst I am blogging and end up losing track and just start talking about the stupidest things. And then I stop. Like I am now. So.....kthanksbye! *Anime peace girl* hahahaha ohh man I need a life.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Baby Its Cold Outside: Remix- Brendan Moulton
I am done with my first semester of college.
Andddd I ended up with a 3.64 GPA. Woop woop. I'll take that. My only B was in Speech. How does that happen? Oh well, whatever Scarvell. No more 7:40 public speaking classes. Heck yes.
This semester has been the best time of my life, hands down. I've grown so much, learned a ton, and gained so many friends and experiences. Every blog post from now until college is over could say about the same thing....how much I love college and what an amazing experience its been so far, and I'm sure that can get rather tiring to read....but tough. :P I love it.
I think Hampton really did prepare me academically for WC. That's kinda always been our thing to say, "Oh well, hmm yes Hampton gets you READY for college!" But it's really true. This whole semester, I kept waiting for the tidal wave of stress and work to come, but it never really did. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it was all easy and no work at all, because that would be a lie. I had to work hard at points and it was a little crazy towards the end of the semester, but I got through...we all did. I can't thank Hampton enough, or specifically my English teachers (like Mrs. Caporizzo) for teaching me all I know about writing and studying and just getting things done. SOOOO grateful to them.
Christmas is in like four days. I can't even believe that. I think so much excitement for Christmas occurred early at school because it was all we had to get excited about during finals time. And with all of the celebrations at Westminny, like Christmas vespers, it seems funny that Christmas hasn't even happened yet! I'm trying my best to really understand and enjoy the holiday...all of the commercialism and hoopla of the day is so unnecessary now. I really like that "presents" are just not that big of a deal anymore. I guess that happens as you get older. The only sad part about it is the morning you wake up and you don't have that tingling feeling in your stomach as you walk down the stairs to see what "Santa" brought you. Why did Santa get invented in the first place? I love the concept of kids feeling Christmas spirit and learning how to give and be thankful and BELIEVE in something, but why did they have to overshadow the whole reason CHRISTmas is even a holiday. I'm not going to write about how I know the real meaning of Christmas and I know that presents and stockings aren't important and that I know how to truly celebrate--so not true. I'm just like everyone else. I like presents. I like silly holiday movies. I like Christmas music. I like the lights and the decorations. Why do they have to be bad? I guess they don't at all. Where do you find the balance between celebrating Christmas for the right reasons and tying in all the wonderful things about the season that may not necessarily be about those reasons? That is my goal for the next few Christmases.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay home until January 19th. Finding a job is LOUSY and probably not going to happen. Amy will be leaving early January. Karen, Megan, and Craig all have high school. What the heckkk am I going to do?? I'm going crazy not seeing my Westminster friends. We all need to get off our lazy butts and DRIVE to see each other. Easier said than done, but hopefully there will be a reunion or two.
So I should probably go to bed. But one thing I neeeeed to add: I have an incredibly amazing boyfriend. :) :) :) :)
Andddd I ended up with a 3.64 GPA. Woop woop. I'll take that. My only B was in Speech. How does that happen? Oh well, whatever Scarvell. No more 7:40 public speaking classes. Heck yes.
This semester has been the best time of my life, hands down. I've grown so much, learned a ton, and gained so many friends and experiences. Every blog post from now until college is over could say about the same thing....how much I love college and what an amazing experience its been so far, and I'm sure that can get rather tiring to read....but tough. :P I love it.
I think Hampton really did prepare me academically for WC. That's kinda always been our thing to say, "Oh well, hmm yes Hampton gets you READY for college!" But it's really true. This whole semester, I kept waiting for the tidal wave of stress and work to come, but it never really did. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it was all easy and no work at all, because that would be a lie. I had to work hard at points and it was a little crazy towards the end of the semester, but I got through...we all did. I can't thank Hampton enough, or specifically my English teachers (like Mrs. Caporizzo) for teaching me all I know about writing and studying and just getting things done. SOOOO grateful to them.
Christmas is in like four days. I can't even believe that. I think so much excitement for Christmas occurred early at school because it was all we had to get excited about during finals time. And with all of the celebrations at Westminny, like Christmas vespers, it seems funny that Christmas hasn't even happened yet! I'm trying my best to really understand and enjoy the holiday...all of the commercialism and hoopla of the day is so unnecessary now. I really like that "presents" are just not that big of a deal anymore. I guess that happens as you get older. The only sad part about it is the morning you wake up and you don't have that tingling feeling in your stomach as you walk down the stairs to see what "Santa" brought you. Why did Santa get invented in the first place? I love the concept of kids feeling Christmas spirit and learning how to give and be thankful and BELIEVE in something, but why did they have to overshadow the whole reason CHRISTmas is even a holiday. I'm not going to write about how I know the real meaning of Christmas and I know that presents and stockings aren't important and that I know how to truly celebrate--so not true. I'm just like everyone else. I like presents. I like silly holiday movies. I like Christmas music. I like the lights and the decorations. Why do they have to be bad? I guess they don't at all. Where do you find the balance between celebrating Christmas for the right reasons and tying in all the wonderful things about the season that may not necessarily be about those reasons? That is my goal for the next few Christmases.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay home until January 19th. Finding a job is LOUSY and probably not going to happen. Amy will be leaving early January. Karen, Megan, and Craig all have high school. What the heckkk am I going to do?? I'm going crazy not seeing my Westminster friends. We all need to get off our lazy butts and DRIVE to see each other. Easier said than done, but hopefully there will be a reunion or two.
So I should probably go to bed. But one thing I neeeeed to add: I have an incredibly amazing boyfriend. :) :) :) :)
Monday, December 1, 2008
Walking in a Winter Wonderland....aka Room 208
It is officially December today, which is absolutely crazy. I am approaching the last two weeks of my first semester of college. My life has radically changed in a mere four months. That's it. Four months. Yet everything in my world has been turned upside down and dramatically altered so that my thoughts, conversations, events, classes, friends have all shifted from Hampton to Westminster.
It's kind of a weird paradox though because there are things that stay exactly the same. When I go home, Hampton always looks exactly the same when you come off the turnpike. There might be a new store here and there, but it has the same feeling. Maybe that's what home is like though. It remains the constant in the changing world around it. What is also the same is church. I anticipated going back to HPC since I hadn't been able to make it there for about three months, but yet when I got there, it was pretty much like nothing had really changed. Yes a few people recognized me and asked me about school, but it was almost like I never left (I even had to tell Bob-O where Katherine was at bells...like he should know more than me, it's not like I haven't been there since August or anything....) And of course, though it is highly evident that I don't belong back at Hampton High School, one thing that I am forever grateful that has remained a constant in my life is my best friends back at home. Keeping in touch with them and picking up exactly where we left off when I'm back is so incredibly nice.
So anyway. Life has been really good lately. I have a lot of reasons to smile right now. For one, Thanksgiving break was wonderful because I saw family I haven't seen in years and for the first time in a longgg time we were all together. Second, when snow first fell at WC, a wave of happiness and excitement spread over the campus, especially in my hall. We were instantly revived from the monotony of a blah fall and thrown into the excitement of what winter brings. I really hate the cold sometimes, but snow makes me happy when it's sparkly and sunny out and perfect for playing in. Ali and I have been listening to Christmas music constantly and we decorated our room with lights and covered our door with the "25 men of Christmas" (compliments of Rachel Perry) With an i eta pi gift exchange coming up and Christmas break coming faster than ever, there's so much holiday spirit going around.
Another reason why I can smile: my friends. I cannot explain how blessed I am. My best friends at home, and my loves at Westminny...if I could have everyone together at the same time, I would explode with happiness.
Oh, and there's one more reason why I keep smiling so much...but I don't need to give that one away :) I am anxious to see what the coming weeks bring.
I'm not quite sure what I intended to do or say with this post. I feel like I haven't said much of anything at all in quite a few words. Can't believe the first semester out of a total of eight is over. Can't believe Christmas is coming and that I am going to be home for FIVE WEEKS. Ohhh, do I need a job.
Okay, sleep time, my favorite :)
It's kind of a weird paradox though because there are things that stay exactly the same. When I go home, Hampton always looks exactly the same when you come off the turnpike. There might be a new store here and there, but it has the same feeling. Maybe that's what home is like though. It remains the constant in the changing world around it. What is also the same is church. I anticipated going back to HPC since I hadn't been able to make it there for about three months, but yet when I got there, it was pretty much like nothing had really changed. Yes a few people recognized me and asked me about school, but it was almost like I never left (I even had to tell Bob-O where Katherine was at bells...like he should know more than me, it's not like I haven't been there since August or anything....) And of course, though it is highly evident that I don't belong back at Hampton High School, one thing that I am forever grateful that has remained a constant in my life is my best friends back at home. Keeping in touch with them and picking up exactly where we left off when I'm back is so incredibly nice.
So anyway. Life has been really good lately. I have a lot of reasons to smile right now. For one, Thanksgiving break was wonderful because I saw family I haven't seen in years and for the first time in a longgg time we were all together. Second, when snow first fell at WC, a wave of happiness and excitement spread over the campus, especially in my hall. We were instantly revived from the monotony of a blah fall and thrown into the excitement of what winter brings. I really hate the cold sometimes, but snow makes me happy when it's sparkly and sunny out and perfect for playing in. Ali and I have been listening to Christmas music constantly and we decorated our room with lights and covered our door with the "25 men of Christmas" (compliments of Rachel Perry) With an i eta pi gift exchange coming up and Christmas break coming faster than ever, there's so much holiday spirit going around.
Another reason why I can smile: my friends. I cannot explain how blessed I am. My best friends at home, and my loves at Westminny...if I could have everyone together at the same time, I would explode with happiness.
Oh, and there's one more reason why I keep smiling so much...but I don't need to give that one away :) I am anxious to see what the coming weeks bring.
I'm not quite sure what I intended to do or say with this post. I feel like I haven't said much of anything at all in quite a few words. Can't believe the first semester out of a total of eight is over. Can't believe Christmas is coming and that I am going to be home for FIVE WEEKS. Ohhh, do I need a job.
Okay, sleep time, my favorite :)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Fall, already?
I can’t even begin to tell you how crazy it is that it’s already officially fall. It’s late September and I’ve been in college for over a month. I feel like I’ve been here for so long and I’ve changed so much in such a short amount of time. I’m still the same me, yet different. It’s a weird feeling.
I LOVE college. I love it so incredibly much. I love
I hate to be the stereotypical teen that goes away to school and comes back all like “I LOVEEE college so freaking much! High school is soooo retarded. Lalala Just wait until you go to school, just wait till you’re as awesome as me in COLLEGE. Yay college! Oh em geeee.” You know what I mean. I try my best not to do that. To my H.S. friends, please tell me if I’m ever like that.
I’ve definitely changed since I’ve been here. Even after one week of band camp, I realized it. Band camp was such a great experience. It was a breath of fresh air after
This change was evident when I went home for the first time, for a Friday night. I also don’t remember/am too busy to call my parents very often, which I feel horrible about. That in itself says I’ve changed. But anyway, when I went home, I went to the Hampton football game and when I went down to see the band, I saw how horribly restricted they are. How they endure (how we endured) being controlled with everything. When to sit down, go to the bathroom, what to wear, how to do this and that, when you can get up to get pizza or talk to your friends, just wow… During it, I always complained, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until now. I give major props to my senior friends for continuing to go through this. You WILL get by. It just sucks. Haha.
I hate the fact that I haven’t been able to write. Life has been sooo tiring and busy that I barely have time to sleep or relax, much less write about everything that has been going on. I’m exploding with things to say, but I know so much has happened that I don’t even know where to start. The beginning seems appropriate, but I know that so many things have changed even from that first day. It’s ridiculous. Even now, it’s quite late and I have a 7:40 class tomorrow, but I finally sat down (and the internet isn’t working. Again.) and decided to write SOMETHING.
I am finding it difficult to keep myself accountable for my faith. I try my best to go to church every Sunday, but I haven’t gone the past THREE weekends. I feel awful about it. And the times I have gone, I’ve been so tired. I need to remember what is important and work around that, instead of the other way around. Additionally, I’ve started going to Seekers, which is kind of like a youth group here. So far, that has been pretty helpful, but I still don’t know a lot of the people there, so I’ve been doing a lot of listening (which is good, mind you) but not a lot of participating in discussion or anything. But it’s still pretty cool. Also, I joined gospel choir! It is AWESOME. I love it. It’s so laid back and wonderful. I feel like I can praise God most when I sing, so it’s a great opportunity to incorporate faith with something I love to do. Yesterday, we performed at Victory Baptist church in
Well there’s more I’d like to say, but I have to remember the importance of sleep and the fact that I have class in the morning. More WILL come later, I promise! (Don’t know when…haha)
***I wrote this yesterday and already so many things have happened, but those will come later...
Monday, August 4, 2008
The Woman at the Well
I have read and heard the story of the Woman at the Well (John 4) countless times. I enjoy the story and feel pretty confident that if I had to talk about it, I could. I can't say that about too many stories in the Bible. This week on the mission trip, TEAMeffort made its focus around this passage and discussed all of the "wells" that humans commonly draw from and how only the living water that God provides will stop our thirst.
During my week in New Orleans, the worship time was interesting, but I didn't feel like I gained too much knowledge from it. I already knew this story. I knew that the woman seeked something that she clearly could not receive from the many husbands she had and definitely not from the people around her. She was an outcast of outcasts. She felt more alone than anything and thirsted for fulfillment that it seemed no one could provide for her. Jesus, a Jew, appearing at the well and even talking to her was a big deal. And then knowing all of her deep thoughts and understanding her situation (not talking down to her). It's no wonder that the woman is filled with hope and joy. Here God was, promising the love and belonging that she had so desperately longed for. The passage ends with her spreading the joy and faith she had to people in the town and how they came to find it themselves, not just from her, but from Jesus himself.
We discussed a lot about what our "wells" were. What things do you constantly draw from but always fall short? Most of us strive for acceptance. Longing for people to like you and admire you. Katherine shared that one of her wells is wanting to be the most important person in someone's life. I realized in that moment that that's exactly one of my wells. I am a needy, clingy person. I long for closeness and intimacy with people. I want to feel special. I want to feel loved and desired. I pour my heart and soul into things, into relationships.
This whole time...this whole trip...I let that become my focus. I wanted to talk to people about things other than "on-the-surface" and feel connected to someone. Realizing the well I had been drawing from became my focus, instead of realizing that this well is NOT the well I should be drinking from. It was almost like I was diving into an understanding of myself and then stopping short of what God was trying to explain to me. That it's not something I should be focusing on.
I may have had some sort of understanding of this. Of knowing it wasn't the right well. I said it to myself and I knew it wasn't. But it didn't really hit me too hard at the time. The whole week I was searching for a mountaintop experience, thinking that I would find God so easily through the work I was doing, or the songs I was singing, or the talks I was listening to. As John pointed out one night (one of the other things that stuck out to me, throughout a mostly non-informative week, if that makes any sense), sometimes we get sucked into these polluted wells. They aren't necessarily bad things at all--going to youth group, camp, or even mission trips. They turn into bad water when you begin to worship the camp, the experience, the activity, and not the God that is behind all of that. That brought me back to when James explained at camp that our problem there is often singing because it sounds beautiful, not because of the worship behind it. It was such an eye opener right there and it smacked me right in the face. For so long, six years in fact, I have literally worshipped Lambec. I use it and expect a big learning experience. It's hard to understand that even if you don't get overwhelmed during worship that it doesn't mean it's not working or important. Anyway, so as John explained this, I started to feel better that I hadn't really felt too much that week. The lessons were interesting, but very much on the surface and things I felt I already knew, minus a few points.
I didn't fully grasp that God was really reaching out to me this week until just a few moments ago. I came away from this trip feeling really interesting. The week was an emotional roller coaster: I laughed a LOT and I also cried at least 4 times. I felt upset and disappointed over some things and really happy and excited about others. It seemed like every expectation any of us had didn't happen or occurred way differently than expected. New Orleans itself was a lot different than any of us had imagined.
When I came home, I realized how truly awesome the trip had been. Isn't that how things usually happen? I find that almost all of high school was like that where you realize how great something was after the fact whereas during it, you feel like somethings weird or not as fun as it could be. But with that, I also realized how I truly messed up. I really hate admitting I do things wrong or that I have issues. But I do. I have problems. This main problem ties back into me seeking that strong relationship with someone. This week, I let that be my focus and I got carried away. I became almost scary, I guess you could say. I tried way too hard and it ended up burning me in the end. When I came to this conclusion (with the honest help from someone) I felt sick to my stomach. How did I let that happen? Why am I like that? What if I scare people away at school? What if I put my heart into something and get REALLY hurt? I'm the type of person that wears their heart on their sleeve and offers it to the person that I feel like I can trust and care about. When I thought about this, I felt awful and dumb and really stupid. I felt like I wasted a week in New Orleans on a mission trip by being so preoccupied about things and trying to seek a connection. I felt like I ruined something great. (and I also made a really big deal about it....like I'm doing now) It just hit me...hard.
So as I was lying in bed, I called out to God. I need you God. I prayed that He would come in and change me, so that I would instead be an instrument of His love. And as I spoke to Him out loud, I realized...HE is the person that I can find this true fulfillment with. I'm like the woman at the well. I constantly thirst for acceptance, love, closeness with someone and as much as I seek it in others, I always felt like I wanted more. And for all the times I read that passage and heard it this week, it actually hit me that God had been trying to teach me that all week! He's been here the whole entire time. He wants to be that close with me. He loves me and knows every dream, goal, hope of mine and every pain, struggle, and worry that I've ever had. He is the closest I can ever get to anyone. And like the woman at the well, I really wanted to talk about it. I originally thought to wait until tomorrow to write (considering I have to be up really early tomorrow for work), but I couldn't contain it. Even if no one reads this, or if they do and all they think is how I really have been a creeper, or better yet, if they realize they have been drawing from the wrong wells too...I want people to know that that "living water" business that He talks about is real. I've heard it so many times, but it's hit home to me now. You will always thirst for something more until you sip that living water that God provides. It's such an awesome analogy, in my opinion. People often feel such a sense of loneliness, even in a crowd of people or among a group of people they love around them, but only when they find that God can and will take away their thirst for more will they stop.
I know it's going to take a long time for me to really grasp and understand this, but I'm so incredibly happy that God used this trip to explain this to me. I came away slightly disappointed from the trip, that I spent nine days and came away feeling sick to my stomach about my actions and thoughts, but now I am happy that I was actually able to learn something REAL. I go to these camps and retreats and trips and I am taught things, valuable things, but rarely does it ever hit you hard in the face, so much that you realize that God has been poking you this whole time and you've finally woken up.
As much as I'm sad that I let myself get to the point of weirdness and clingyness, it had to happen for me to understand it all. It's such a vulnerable time in my life, with college less than two weeks away. It's my time to become the person I want to be and who God wants me to be. I want Him to fill me up and change me. I don't want to be so needy. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to shy away from telling people how I feel or if I'm upset about something. And God knows this.
We were asked to write down on a card what had changed about us this week. I was worried all week that I couldn't find an answer. After an emotional worship that night, I was able to write something down. Something at the time that I felt was pretty good. But, now this is really what changed. What I wrote, I think I already knew in my heart.
So I have less than six hours before I'm supposed to get up for work, but I don't care. I'm realizing more and more as time passes how awesome God is and that while I still have so far to go, I'm happy that I'm learning. I will definitely write later about the actual trip and some other things that have been on my mind, but for now, I must sleep. (Or read Breaking Dawn. Hmm...)
During my week in New Orleans, the worship time was interesting, but I didn't feel like I gained too much knowledge from it. I already knew this story. I knew that the woman seeked something that she clearly could not receive from the many husbands she had and definitely not from the people around her. She was an outcast of outcasts. She felt more alone than anything and thirsted for fulfillment that it seemed no one could provide for her. Jesus, a Jew, appearing at the well and even talking to her was a big deal. And then knowing all of her deep thoughts and understanding her situation (not talking down to her). It's no wonder that the woman is filled with hope and joy. Here God was, promising the love and belonging that she had so desperately longed for. The passage ends with her spreading the joy and faith she had to people in the town and how they came to find it themselves, not just from her, but from Jesus himself.
We discussed a lot about what our "wells" were. What things do you constantly draw from but always fall short? Most of us strive for acceptance. Longing for people to like you and admire you. Katherine shared that one of her wells is wanting to be the most important person in someone's life. I realized in that moment that that's exactly one of my wells. I am a needy, clingy person. I long for closeness and intimacy with people. I want to feel special. I want to feel loved and desired. I pour my heart and soul into things, into relationships.
This whole time...this whole trip...I let that become my focus. I wanted to talk to people about things other than "on-the-surface" and feel connected to someone. Realizing the well I had been drawing from became my focus, instead of realizing that this well is NOT the well I should be drinking from. It was almost like I was diving into an understanding of myself and then stopping short of what God was trying to explain to me. That it's not something I should be focusing on.
I may have had some sort of understanding of this. Of knowing it wasn't the right well. I said it to myself and I knew it wasn't. But it didn't really hit me too hard at the time. The whole week I was searching for a mountaintop experience, thinking that I would find God so easily through the work I was doing, or the songs I was singing, or the talks I was listening to. As John pointed out one night (one of the other things that stuck out to me, throughout a mostly non-informative week, if that makes any sense), sometimes we get sucked into these polluted wells. They aren't necessarily bad things at all--going to youth group, camp, or even mission trips. They turn into bad water when you begin to worship the camp, the experience, the activity, and not the God that is behind all of that. That brought me back to when James explained at camp that our problem there is often singing because it sounds beautiful, not because of the worship behind it. It was such an eye opener right there and it smacked me right in the face. For so long, six years in fact, I have literally worshipped Lambec. I use it and expect a big learning experience. It's hard to understand that even if you don't get overwhelmed during worship that it doesn't mean it's not working or important. Anyway, so as John explained this, I started to feel better that I hadn't really felt too much that week. The lessons were interesting, but very much on the surface and things I felt I already knew, minus a few points.
I didn't fully grasp that God was really reaching out to me this week until just a few moments ago. I came away from this trip feeling really interesting. The week was an emotional roller coaster: I laughed a LOT and I also cried at least 4 times. I felt upset and disappointed over some things and really happy and excited about others. It seemed like every expectation any of us had didn't happen or occurred way differently than expected. New Orleans itself was a lot different than any of us had imagined.
When I came home, I realized how truly awesome the trip had been. Isn't that how things usually happen? I find that almost all of high school was like that where you realize how great something was after the fact whereas during it, you feel like somethings weird or not as fun as it could be. But with that, I also realized how I truly messed up. I really hate admitting I do things wrong or that I have issues. But I do. I have problems. This main problem ties back into me seeking that strong relationship with someone. This week, I let that be my focus and I got carried away. I became almost scary, I guess you could say. I tried way too hard and it ended up burning me in the end. When I came to this conclusion (with the honest help from someone) I felt sick to my stomach. How did I let that happen? Why am I like that? What if I scare people away at school? What if I put my heart into something and get REALLY hurt? I'm the type of person that wears their heart on their sleeve and offers it to the person that I feel like I can trust and care about. When I thought about this, I felt awful and dumb and really stupid. I felt like I wasted a week in New Orleans on a mission trip by being so preoccupied about things and trying to seek a connection. I felt like I ruined something great. (and I also made a really big deal about it....like I'm doing now) It just hit me...hard.
So as I was lying in bed, I called out to God. I need you God. I prayed that He would come in and change me, so that I would instead be an instrument of His love. And as I spoke to Him out loud, I realized...HE is the person that I can find this true fulfillment with. I'm like the woman at the well. I constantly thirst for acceptance, love, closeness with someone and as much as I seek it in others, I always felt like I wanted more. And for all the times I read that passage and heard it this week, it actually hit me that God had been trying to teach me that all week! He's been here the whole entire time. He wants to be that close with me. He loves me and knows every dream, goal, hope of mine and every pain, struggle, and worry that I've ever had. He is the closest I can ever get to anyone. And like the woman at the well, I really wanted to talk about it. I originally thought to wait until tomorrow to write (considering I have to be up really early tomorrow for work), but I couldn't contain it. Even if no one reads this, or if they do and all they think is how I really have been a creeper, or better yet, if they realize they have been drawing from the wrong wells too...I want people to know that that "living water" business that He talks about is real. I've heard it so many times, but it's hit home to me now. You will always thirst for something more until you sip that living water that God provides. It's such an awesome analogy, in my opinion. People often feel such a sense of loneliness, even in a crowd of people or among a group of people they love around them, but only when they find that God can and will take away their thirst for more will they stop.
I know it's going to take a long time for me to really grasp and understand this, but I'm so incredibly happy that God used this trip to explain this to me. I came away slightly disappointed from the trip, that I spent nine days and came away feeling sick to my stomach about my actions and thoughts, but now I am happy that I was actually able to learn something REAL. I go to these camps and retreats and trips and I am taught things, valuable things, but rarely does it ever hit you hard in the face, so much that you realize that God has been poking you this whole time and you've finally woken up.
As much as I'm sad that I let myself get to the point of weirdness and clingyness, it had to happen for me to understand it all. It's such a vulnerable time in my life, with college less than two weeks away. It's my time to become the person I want to be and who God wants me to be. I want Him to fill me up and change me. I don't want to be so needy. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to shy away from telling people how I feel or if I'm upset about something. And God knows this.
We were asked to write down on a card what had changed about us this week. I was worried all week that I couldn't find an answer. After an emotional worship that night, I was able to write something down. Something at the time that I felt was pretty good. But, now this is really what changed. What I wrote, I think I already knew in my heart.
So I have less than six hours before I'm supposed to get up for work, but I don't care. I'm realizing more and more as time passes how awesome God is and that while I still have so far to go, I'm happy that I'm learning. I will definitely write later about the actual trip and some other things that have been on my mind, but for now, I must sleep. (Or read Breaking Dawn. Hmm...)
Monday, July 21, 2008
Deny Yourself, Take Up Your Cross, and Follow Me
God is good.
I am so pleased I decided that I had to go to Lambec just one last year. My parents told me no after last year and that being my most incredible year to date, I was not going to let that happen. I agreed to pay for it myself (and the mission trip..but luckily that was part of my graduation present instead..) and registered and a year later, this past week, I walked (literally...thanks to the flooded vale) into that camp and felt like I was at home again. It felt completely normal, comfortable.
I was in cabin 8 again, the senior "Grove City Cottage." I roomed with Amy and Leila and across the hall was Megan, Karen, Anna, and Andrea, and the other two rooms were Nicki, Kate, and Emily and Mackenzie, Rachel, Melissa, and Jena. Complete with Adrienne and Kristen as our counselors, I can easily say it was the best cabin I've ever been in and the most bonded cabin ever. We all knew each other from the past, but we grew closer than ever this week. I would have to say that was the very best part of this year.
At dinner time, we sang grace and the room flooded with amazing harmony--my favorite sound in the world. It is so fascinating to watch the first year campers' expressions when they hear the first note in choir practice. You fill up with such amazement and surprise that yes you are helping to create that perfect sound. Harmony is the perfect word, whoever decided to name the fusing of chords that create such a wonderful and fulfilling sound. Besides musical, I don't really get to experience singing with a four-part harmony choir and I love it. It's dangerous at times at music camp, because often times you find yourself wanting to sing praise songs because it sounds beautiful, not because you want to worship the Lord. But because you are surrounded by God's love and continuous learning, you find yourself really into the song because of its power and words.
My cabin became some sort of a legend this year. Well, in fact, our group of super seniors and seniors were really incredible. We all bonded and set a great example for the younger campers. It was difficult at first because so many people that mean so much to this camp were not there this year. It definitely threw us off at first, but we were determined not to let that affect what turned out to be an awesome week. In that loss, we made up for it in closeness with one another. Throughout the week, cabin 8 wanted to leave our mark for years to follow. We ended up winning Quietest Cabin the first night (NOT planned and NOT happening ever again) and we somehow won the scavenger hunt on Tuesday night. We decided to go Polar Bear swimming on Wednesday morning, which ended up being very epic considering Lake Erie isn't really water. It's really mud and seaweed, only it actually feels like you're swimming in poop and vomit. No joke. It's probably the grossest thing I've ever felt in my life.
Then as we entered, we started losing our shoes...But we made it in anyway, seaweed, mud, and sharp rocks, and all! After that, we ran into the vale to "Eye of the Tiger" and that was fun. Wednesday also included much domination at the Olympics (can you say me and Leila, co-champions of Simon Says?) except maybe tug of war against cabin 7...but we won't mention that. Or the balloon volleyball. Or beach volleyball. Or stick toss. BUT ANYWAY, the night ended with a rousing game of Capture the Flag that went all too quickly and without dancing music, in which Amy and I ended up having more fun joining Karen and Tiffany on the side playing Mad Gab.
Tuesday and Thursday nights were very memorable from club. Tuesday they put on a drama that can be seen here (only with different people, of course, not at camp). I have seen this before, online, and I think at camp in the past (not quite sure), but it was really powerful this time. In our drama, they had the counselors doing it, who are a bit older and more believable than in the youtube one. I know they got their idea from the movie clip though, so credit definitely goes to them. However, it felt so much more real when it was performed right in front of you. Kacie, someone I knew well, was the girl in the drama, and despite that, I felt so deeply for her. In fact, it probably added to the feelings because I felt like she, a friend, was going through all of those situations...temptation, greed, vanity, depression, and then trying to fight so hard to get to Christ. I don't know why it affected me so much more this time around. Maybe because those things are very common for people my age...sins that can curl around you and yank you away before you realize it. In the end, you leave hopeful, knowing that despite all of the obstacles you can face, you CAN overcome it with God's help.
Thursday night's drama was a change. We all expected the usual "Total Eclipse of the Heart" or the one where the girl dances with Jesus. But instead, they wanted it to end on a more hopeful note. They started off with Jay, dressed as Jesus (he is perfect for the role) and carrying his cross in. He saves people from their sin and cured their deformities (such as blindness) and they begin to nail their sins and burdens to the wooden cross on slips of paper. We had all received our own paper earlier in the night and were told to write down the thing that is stopping us the most from our relationship with Christ. We were invited, one by one, to come outside and nail ours to the cross before separating to each side of the vale. This one didn't affect me as much, until I thought out about it more. I was crying because it was my last club time ever at camp, my last night...but they carried out this cross, heavy with all of the things that hurt us, that keep us away, and they put it in the center of the vale, lighted by flashlights. It was such a reminder and as we thought about it, a hopeful symbol. No matter what that is, God will overcome it. He won't ever leave us. All we have to do is deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow Him.
I was also fortunate enough to see Brooke Annibale perform for us on Thursday. Brooke, a 20 year old from Pittsburgh, has been performing with Jeremy for quite some time, and she just released her third album, The In Between. She was fantastic. She has such a unique, laid-back, meaningful sound. It was just her on acoustic and Jeremy on bass, which was perfect. I've listened to part of her cd with the full band and it still sounds great. I completely and encouragingly recommend you check her out. It seemed only perfect that her album talked about this "in between" stage in her life...when she was going into college and leaving her home. Just what I'm about to go through. I'm anxious to get her CD and look into the lyrics. It was a great concert.
Bible study this year was absolutely awesome. Every year, bible study isn't that exciting and I usually wish I am taking a nap instead, but this year I really looked forward to it every day. The first day of it was like previous years, but as the week went on, our discussions grew more and more interesting. Interesting to the point where we were late for band (oh DARN.) and wished we could talk much longer. One of our topics of discussion that I have no idea how we got to was about how do you live a life for Christ in the every day activities? Like when you go to work or you're writing a paper, your brain automatically checks into that mode and God is not even a thought until you are finished (that is, unless you are praying to get it over with). You compartmentalize your life and your brain switches for each function and task. We thought of it like going from math class to English...you automatically change gears. It's like going from the work week to Sunday morning. Even if you might have bible study mondays or youth group on another day, what other time do you have for God? It's so difficult to make time for Him when you know you have to get things done right now. Sometimes you get into that mode where you know He can wait. You have to write this paper now, you have to get this practice going. As often as you say you will try to remember Him during your every day life, it is so much easier said than done. And how do you let people know of His love at work or school without having to talk about it or preach down their throats? We believe it's a great deal about your attitude and you do things. I think it's common belief that people realize that a smile can change someone's day, but what else can you do? It was great being able to soak it all in and the best thing was that we didn't always have answers. I find that a lot of times at church or in bible study, questions are asked that we kind of already know the answers too. And then we get stuck in this rut and never move forward because a lot of things are repetition from common knowledge or things we already know or can figure out from the stuff around us. I absolutely love James and Katie, our bible study leaders. They offered us such a great hope at the end because they made it known how available they are to us. To our questions, our curiosity, our friendship. They plan on sending us emails a few times a month to keep tabs on us and hope that we can all stay in touch and ask questions and share things with each other. One of the most touching parts of the week was our last bible study when Katie wanted to pray over me and Alec (who were the only super seniors in our B. study) for our journey into college and everyone had their hand on our shoulders. I don't think I've ever been specifically called out in a prayer like that and it gave me great comfort and excitement knowing I had support. Not just from God, but from this family I have (and not just at home).
The music this year was really meaningful. I hope to get the CD very soon. (Joy in the House by Phil Barfoot)
I know this post is very lengthy and it is really late and I have to get up at 6 AM for work tomorrow, but I really wanted to capture this week. I feel like I could still talk forever. I'm learning so much, but I hate that now I'm home, it feels back to how it was. I don't want that. I want to be changed. But more of that later...
I am so pleased I decided that I had to go to Lambec just one last year. My parents told me no after last year and that being my most incredible year to date, I was not going to let that happen. I agreed to pay for it myself (and the mission trip..but luckily that was part of my graduation present instead..) and registered and a year later, this past week, I walked (literally...thanks to the flooded vale) into that camp and felt like I was at home again. It felt completely normal, comfortable.
I was in cabin 8 again, the senior "Grove City Cottage." I roomed with Amy and Leila and across the hall was Megan, Karen, Anna, and Andrea, and the other two rooms were Nicki, Kate, and Emily and Mackenzie, Rachel, Melissa, and Jena. Complete with Adrienne and Kristen as our counselors, I can easily say it was the best cabin I've ever been in and the most bonded cabin ever. We all knew each other from the past, but we grew closer than ever this week. I would have to say that was the very best part of this year.
At dinner time, we sang grace and the room flooded with amazing harmony--my favorite sound in the world. It is so fascinating to watch the first year campers' expressions when they hear the first note in choir practice. You fill up with such amazement and surprise that yes you are helping to create that perfect sound. Harmony is the perfect word, whoever decided to name the fusing of chords that create such a wonderful and fulfilling sound. Besides musical, I don't really get to experience singing with a four-part harmony choir and I love it. It's dangerous at times at music camp, because often times you find yourself wanting to sing praise songs because it sounds beautiful, not because you want to worship the Lord. But because you are surrounded by God's love and continuous learning, you find yourself really into the song because of its power and words.
My cabin became some sort of a legend this year. Well, in fact, our group of super seniors and seniors were really incredible. We all bonded and set a great example for the younger campers. It was difficult at first because so many people that mean so much to this camp were not there this year. It definitely threw us off at first, but we were determined not to let that affect what turned out to be an awesome week. In that loss, we made up for it in closeness with one another. Throughout the week, cabin 8 wanted to leave our mark for years to follow. We ended up winning Quietest Cabin the first night (NOT planned and NOT happening ever again) and we somehow won the scavenger hunt on Tuesday night. We decided to go Polar Bear swimming on Wednesday morning, which ended up being very epic considering Lake Erie isn't really water. It's really mud and seaweed, only it actually feels like you're swimming in poop and vomit. No joke. It's probably the grossest thing I've ever felt in my life.
Then as we entered, we started losing our shoes...But we made it in anyway, seaweed, mud, and sharp rocks, and all! After that, we ran into the vale to "Eye of the Tiger" and that was fun. Wednesday also included much domination at the Olympics (can you say me and Leila, co-champions of Simon Says?) except maybe tug of war against cabin 7...but we won't mention that. Or the balloon volleyball. Or beach volleyball. Or stick toss. BUT ANYWAY, the night ended with a rousing game of Capture the Flag that went all too quickly and without dancing music, in which Amy and I ended up having more fun joining Karen and Tiffany on the side playing Mad Gab.
Tuesday and Thursday nights were very memorable from club. Tuesday they put on a drama that can be seen here (only with different people, of course, not at camp). I have seen this before, online, and I think at camp in the past (not quite sure), but it was really powerful this time. In our drama, they had the counselors doing it, who are a bit older and more believable than in the youtube one. I know they got their idea from the movie clip though, so credit definitely goes to them. However, it felt so much more real when it was performed right in front of you. Kacie, someone I knew well, was the girl in the drama, and despite that, I felt so deeply for her. In fact, it probably added to the feelings because I felt like she, a friend, was going through all of those situations...temptation, greed, vanity, depression, and then trying to fight so hard to get to Christ. I don't know why it affected me so much more this time around. Maybe because those things are very common for people my age...sins that can curl around you and yank you away before you realize it. In the end, you leave hopeful, knowing that despite all of the obstacles you can face, you CAN overcome it with God's help.
Thursday night's drama was a change. We all expected the usual "Total Eclipse of the Heart" or the one where the girl dances with Jesus. But instead, they wanted it to end on a more hopeful note. They started off with Jay, dressed as Jesus (he is perfect for the role) and carrying his cross in. He saves people from their sin and cured their deformities (such as blindness) and they begin to nail their sins and burdens to the wooden cross on slips of paper. We had all received our own paper earlier in the night and were told to write down the thing that is stopping us the most from our relationship with Christ. We were invited, one by one, to come outside and nail ours to the cross before separating to each side of the vale. This one didn't affect me as much, until I thought out about it more. I was crying because it was my last club time ever at camp, my last night...but they carried out this cross, heavy with all of the things that hurt us, that keep us away, and they put it in the center of the vale, lighted by flashlights. It was such a reminder and as we thought about it, a hopeful symbol. No matter what that is, God will overcome it. He won't ever leave us. All we have to do is deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow Him.
I was also fortunate enough to see Brooke Annibale perform for us on Thursday. Brooke, a 20 year old from Pittsburgh, has been performing with Jeremy for quite some time, and she just released her third album, The In Between. She was fantastic. She has such a unique, laid-back, meaningful sound. It was just her on acoustic and Jeremy on bass, which was perfect. I've listened to part of her cd with the full band and it still sounds great. I completely and encouragingly recommend you check her out. It seemed only perfect that her album talked about this "in between" stage in her life...when she was going into college and leaving her home. Just what I'm about to go through. I'm anxious to get her CD and look into the lyrics. It was a great concert.
Bible study this year was absolutely awesome. Every year, bible study isn't that exciting and I usually wish I am taking a nap instead, but this year I really looked forward to it every day. The first day of it was like previous years, but as the week went on, our discussions grew more and more interesting. Interesting to the point where we were late for band (oh DARN.) and wished we could talk much longer. One of our topics of discussion that I have no idea how we got to was about how do you live a life for Christ in the every day activities? Like when you go to work or you're writing a paper, your brain automatically checks into that mode and God is not even a thought until you are finished (that is, unless you are praying to get it over with). You compartmentalize your life and your brain switches for each function and task. We thought of it like going from math class to English...you automatically change gears. It's like going from the work week to Sunday morning. Even if you might have bible study mondays or youth group on another day, what other time do you have for God? It's so difficult to make time for Him when you know you have to get things done right now. Sometimes you get into that mode where you know He can wait. You have to write this paper now, you have to get this practice going. As often as you say you will try to remember Him during your every day life, it is so much easier said than done. And how do you let people know of His love at work or school without having to talk about it or preach down their throats? We believe it's a great deal about your attitude and you do things. I think it's common belief that people realize that a smile can change someone's day, but what else can you do? It was great being able to soak it all in and the best thing was that we didn't always have answers. I find that a lot of times at church or in bible study, questions are asked that we kind of already know the answers too. And then we get stuck in this rut and never move forward because a lot of things are repetition from common knowledge or things we already know or can figure out from the stuff around us. I absolutely love James and Katie, our bible study leaders. They offered us such a great hope at the end because they made it known how available they are to us. To our questions, our curiosity, our friendship. They plan on sending us emails a few times a month to keep tabs on us and hope that we can all stay in touch and ask questions and share things with each other. One of the most touching parts of the week was our last bible study when Katie wanted to pray over me and Alec (who were the only super seniors in our B. study) for our journey into college and everyone had their hand on our shoulders. I don't think I've ever been specifically called out in a prayer like that and it gave me great comfort and excitement knowing I had support. Not just from God, but from this family I have (and not just at home).
The music this year was really meaningful. I hope to get the CD very soon. (Joy in the House by Phil Barfoot)
I know this post is very lengthy and it is really late and I have to get up at 6 AM for work tomorrow, but I really wanted to capture this week. I feel like I could still talk forever. I'm learning so much, but I hate that now I'm home, it feels back to how it was. I don't want that. I want to be changed. But more of that later...
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Eat, Pray, Love
So I am at work right now, at the community center because Bill needed someone, and I have been able to go on the internet (thanks library) and chat during my time here. Which is really nice. But now everyone is away or signed off and I am left alone to my thoughts.
I am thinking so much about Lambec because it's only three days away. I really can't believe my sixth year (!) and my very last as a camper is almost here. I remember the first year I went, going into 8th grade, I didn't understand why I was even going. On the drive up, I was confused why I agreed to spend a week in an unfamiliar place with people that I was only somewhat friends with at the time to play my instrument and sing. I didn't know how much my life was going to change after that week. I realize now that God sent me there, made sure I would be there (after two years of Mr. Cramer asking me to go, I finally gave in) and then introduced this amazing place to me. Since then, I've found it to be one of my very favorite places to be. It's not at all perfect, logistically speaking, but to me, it is. I find immense comfort in watching the sun set over Lake Erie, people strolling along the path, games being played in the vale. I find myself sighing even as I write this. It's hard to explain to people that haven't been there to experience it why it's so wonderful. But the answer is this: it's the people that fill up this amazing place that create this haven. Every year during morning watch, I just look around and feel so blessed. I get away for the week--away from the realities of life and its stresses--and experience the strange mystery that is camp. How can you become best friends with someone you spent just 5 days with? Why do you want to cry when you have to leave? How does one week have the ability to impact your life forever? Life, broken down to its basics is all about meeting people, becoming friends, and interacting. Camp reminds us that everything else is just clutter. The human experience is so healing in itself.
I absolutely love the fact that I have a group of girls that I spent most of my time with at camp. We are a unit, a gang full of laughter and great memories. But I'm realizing, with sadness, that I have missed the opportunity to make better connections with other people. Knowing that some people aren't coming back this year makes me so sad because I feel like I didn't take advantage of the opportunity to make a friend, to share something with someone else. Not to say that I don't do that at all...of course I do. I've met amazing people like Leila, Annette, Nicki, and Kate, and more, but I find myself wishing that I were more...outgoing. Available. Open. Not afraid to randomly strike up a conversation with someone. It's kind of weird. There are people that you know a lot about..how they act, what they are interested in, and because you share an experience like camp with them, you feel like you know them. But in reality, you've only said a few words to each other and you don't really know them at all. I feel like that's my case with a lot of the people.
I'm currently reading a book called Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and while it's not my favorite book, I'm enjoying it, and it also sheds light on my current situation. The woman, Elizabeth, in the book speaks of her experiences in Italy, India, and Indonesia in the span of a year. In one section, she talks about how while she's not a very "good traveler," she's really good at making friends...like randomly saying hello to someone, striking up a conversation, and becoming friends. I realized that with college so soon, I need to be able to let go of the fear of whatever I'm afraid of and just take the chance and meet someone. This year at camp, I want to be able to bond with my girls AND make connections with other people. I'm hoping I succeed in this because I know it will be an example of what college might be like. Granted, everyone will be looking for friends then and it shouldn't be too hard, but I want to be more comfortable at it.
Life is all about interacting with each other and loving one another. Everything else is just unnecessary stuff that doesn't truly matter. Sometimes you don't realize how valuable a person is to you, how important they are to your life. Shouldn't you try to make connections with more than just those you see every day?
Just some food for thought. :)
I am thinking so much about Lambec because it's only three days away. I really can't believe my sixth year (!) and my very last as a camper is almost here. I remember the first year I went, going into 8th grade, I didn't understand why I was even going. On the drive up, I was confused why I agreed to spend a week in an unfamiliar place with people that I was only somewhat friends with at the time to play my instrument and sing. I didn't know how much my life was going to change after that week. I realize now that God sent me there, made sure I would be there (after two years of Mr. Cramer asking me to go, I finally gave in) and then introduced this amazing place to me. Since then, I've found it to be one of my very favorite places to be. It's not at all perfect, logistically speaking, but to me, it is. I find immense comfort in watching the sun set over Lake Erie, people strolling along the path, games being played in the vale. I find myself sighing even as I write this. It's hard to explain to people that haven't been there to experience it why it's so wonderful. But the answer is this: it's the people that fill up this amazing place that create this haven. Every year during morning watch, I just look around and feel so blessed. I get away for the week--away from the realities of life and its stresses--and experience the strange mystery that is camp. How can you become best friends with someone you spent just 5 days with? Why do you want to cry when you have to leave? How does one week have the ability to impact your life forever? Life, broken down to its basics is all about meeting people, becoming friends, and interacting. Camp reminds us that everything else is just clutter. The human experience is so healing in itself.
I absolutely love the fact that I have a group of girls that I spent most of my time with at camp. We are a unit, a gang full of laughter and great memories. But I'm realizing, with sadness, that I have missed the opportunity to make better connections with other people. Knowing that some people aren't coming back this year makes me so sad because I feel like I didn't take advantage of the opportunity to make a friend, to share something with someone else. Not to say that I don't do that at all...of course I do. I've met amazing people like Leila, Annette, Nicki, and Kate, and more, but I find myself wishing that I were more...outgoing. Available. Open. Not afraid to randomly strike up a conversation with someone. It's kind of weird. There are people that you know a lot about..how they act, what they are interested in, and because you share an experience like camp with them, you feel like you know them. But in reality, you've only said a few words to each other and you don't really know them at all. I feel like that's my case with a lot of the people.
I'm currently reading a book called Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and while it's not my favorite book, I'm enjoying it, and it also sheds light on my current situation. The woman, Elizabeth, in the book speaks of her experiences in Italy, India, and Indonesia in the span of a year. In one section, she talks about how while she's not a very "good traveler," she's really good at making friends...like randomly saying hello to someone, striking up a conversation, and becoming friends. I realized that with college so soon, I need to be able to let go of the fear of whatever I'm afraid of and just take the chance and meet someone. This year at camp, I want to be able to bond with my girls AND make connections with other people. I'm hoping I succeed in this because I know it will be an example of what college might be like. Granted, everyone will be looking for friends then and it shouldn't be too hard, but I want to be more comfortable at it.
Life is all about interacting with each other and loving one another. Everything else is just unnecessary stuff that doesn't truly matter. Sometimes you don't realize how valuable a person is to you, how important they are to your life. Shouldn't you try to make connections with more than just those you see every day?
Just some food for thought. :)
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Mad Gab
You should really play Mad Gab sometime. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. It all sounds like a foreign language and it's just hilarious.
It's good to be home. My last night on vacation, the fourth, turned out to be the only day to storm, and of course, it was at night. We made it to the beach at night, with a light rain, and they shot off some fireworks, but they were cut short when it actually started to storm with lightning and such. I was disappointed, but very glad I got to see some fireworks. The day itself was pretty good, very relaxed. We went to the beach a little bit later than usual because it was cloudy at first, but then it got very sunny, so that was nice. We went to eat at Stumpo's Italian Restaurant and then proceeded to hang around almost all day. Kim and I "cleaned" a bit and watched Harry Potter 5 and laughed a LOT. I missed our hilarious chats like that. We're really weird, but I love us.
Since I've been home, I got a few college items at Target, had some good conversations at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping, gone to church and Kristi's grad party, and finally to a new bible study, which was fun. And played mad gab with a great group of people. That felt like real summer, and it was nice. Tomorrow starts reality again with work at 7 am, but I am looking forward to the rest of this week and LAMBEC on Sunday. I can't wait for this amazing week.
But as for now, I really got to get some rest.
It's good to be home. My last night on vacation, the fourth, turned out to be the only day to storm, and of course, it was at night. We made it to the beach at night, with a light rain, and they shot off some fireworks, but they were cut short when it actually started to storm with lightning and such. I was disappointed, but very glad I got to see some fireworks. The day itself was pretty good, very relaxed. We went to the beach a little bit later than usual because it was cloudy at first, but then it got very sunny, so that was nice. We went to eat at Stumpo's Italian Restaurant and then proceeded to hang around almost all day. Kim and I "cleaned" a bit and watched Harry Potter 5 and laughed a LOT. I missed our hilarious chats like that. We're really weird, but I love us.
Since I've been home, I got a few college items at Target, had some good conversations at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping, gone to church and Kristi's grad party, and finally to a new bible study, which was fun. And played mad gab with a great group of people. That felt like real summer, and it was nice. Tomorrow starts reality again with work at 7 am, but I am looking forward to the rest of this week and LAMBEC on Sunday. I can't wait for this amazing week.
But as for now, I really got to get some rest.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Independence Day Away
Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. This is the first year, ever, that I haven't been home in Hampton to be with friends and family and go to the park and watch the fireworks. I was all excited that I was going to experience it at the beach this year, but I have been thinking about all of my friends at the park this weekend and I am actually somewhat sad about it. Not to say I'm not going to enjoy myself on the beach, because I really think it will be awesome, but it's kind of sad..the last fourth before college. But you can't linger on those things, I suppose.
The Fourth is kind of like the weird midpoint of summer. Growing up and in middle school, especially, it was a big deal because it was the first time you saw a lot of your friends that you wouldn't normally hang out with. And everyone looked a little different. But as the years went by, the time between school and the fourth seemed to go by a lot quicker, no one looked much different, and you felt like you just saw everyone. Even the fireworks themselves are much less spectacular. It's kind of sad in a way. What does that say? As you grow up, do these kind of things have less meaning? Or do we just become much more apathetic? Or is it because time continually seems to go faster that the Fourth loses its summer significance? I don't rightly know.
Anywho, it's quite amazing that it's even JULY. I love July. So very much. Best month of summer. It's mostly because my favorite events occur during these 31 days. Camp Lambec, my birthday, my mission trip to New Orleans, Harry Potter's birthday...come on. It's basically amazing. So I absolutely can't wait.
Vacation is coming to a close, sadly. But it will be nice to be back in the Bubble, even if I'm spending most of my time at the pool. haha. Oh boy. Yesterday, Kim and I went to Wildwood with our mums and we went to a waterpark, which was awesomeeeee. And I'm actually slightly burnt on my stomach, which is a first. I don't burn usually. But enough rambling, I'm off to watch girly movies with Kim. Yay!
The Fourth is kind of like the weird midpoint of summer. Growing up and in middle school, especially, it was a big deal because it was the first time you saw a lot of your friends that you wouldn't normally hang out with. And everyone looked a little different. But as the years went by, the time between school and the fourth seemed to go by a lot quicker, no one looked much different, and you felt like you just saw everyone. Even the fireworks themselves are much less spectacular. It's kind of sad in a way. What does that say? As you grow up, do these kind of things have less meaning? Or do we just become much more apathetic? Or is it because time continually seems to go faster that the Fourth loses its summer significance? I don't rightly know.
Anywho, it's quite amazing that it's even JULY. I love July. So very much. Best month of summer. It's mostly because my favorite events occur during these 31 days. Camp Lambec, my birthday, my mission trip to New Orleans, Harry Potter's birthday...come on. It's basically amazing. So I absolutely can't wait.
Vacation is coming to a close, sadly. But it will be nice to be back in the Bubble, even if I'm spending most of my time at the pool. haha. Oh boy. Yesterday, Kim and I went to Wildwood with our mums and we went to a waterpark, which was awesomeeeee. And I'm actually slightly burnt on my stomach, which is a first. I don't burn usually. But enough rambling, I'm off to watch girly movies with Kim. Yay!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Spider Solitaire, Elf thugs, and Creepers
So I have recently become really obsessed with playing Spider Solitaire. I had always known somewhat how to play like normal solitaire, but never gave in to learn completely. I knew you had to go in numerical order and then...well I wasn't quite sure. But since my new Ipod (!) has a version like it, I tried to play but couldn't figure it out, so I attempted Spider and I actually won. I have moved up to two suits now and am playing that until I get the courage to play four suits. Risky, I know.
Anyway, so the beach has been really nice so far. Kim, my cousin, was supposed to be here last night (she went on a school trip to Spain and was supposed to fly into Newark, about three hours from Cape May), but her flight here was cancelled, so instead she flew into JFK and came home to Central PA and my poor Aunt and Uncle drove all the way home to get her. They are currently on their way back and should be here around dinner time! Hooray! As much as I've been enjoying myself, I feel like my vacation won't truly begin until she's here.
As far as what I've actually been doing, since it's me and the parents and aunt and uncle, well, every morning (this is day three, well...technically the second full day) we get up and go the beach. I am very happy to know I'm missing hideous weather at home (tornado watch and storms...sorry guys) and it has been wonderful here. We had a thunderstorm late last night, but it has been very sunny and the breeze is perfect. We stay until about lunch time, come home and get ready and either eat in or go out. Yesterday we had tacos in and today my parents and I went to this place called Boyd's Texas BBQ or something (which I'll talk about later). Then we come home and relax a bit, I play more spider solitaire and read, and eventually we do something like go to the Washington Street Mall (which has a bunch of sweet shops). Last night, we went to Sunset Beach around 7:30 to catch the sunset and collect "Cape May Diamonds" aka rocks. That was really beautiful. I got some really good pictures. We havent' done too much because we want Kim to experience stuff too but we hope to maybe see a dinner show, go the zoo, visit Wildwood, and other such things. So I'm excited.
So, like I said, we ate at Boyd's today. First of all, we pulled into an empty parking lot. We walk in, and it's small and kind of like Messina's maybe, a little bigger, with cowboy decor. We could seat ourselves and they had paper towel rolls for napkins on each table. And also, why does Ketchup say "extra fancy ketchup" on the bottle, as if their brand is much more special because it says extra fancy? What makes it extra fancy? It wasn't in any sort of special bottle. What does the non fancy kind look like? Anyway, so I guess this place was going for a homestyle type of feel. Our waiter...I should say waiterS because apparently some people can't handle a table of three by themselves...was seriously this tall lanky creeper that you could barely understand. And this other dude, some white Italian guy tried to dress as a fancy thug with a studded belt, baggy jeans, and this "driver's cap/ascot hat" that I see my Uncle Carlo or Justin wear (only they don't look stupid). I don't know. He also resembled a short elf too, so the combination was just confusing. Regardless, the food was alright, pretty standard. My dad liked it, but my mom definitely didn't think it was that great. But the fact that all the workers were loudly discussing video games, not even good ones, just dumb ones, and then you couldn't hear/understand our waiters... it was just, I dunno, kinda silly. One of those places you just laugh about later.
On the way home from good ol' Boyd's, we stopped to get gas at a Shell station. As we pull in, there's this overly tanned guy with white hair pulled into a pony tail, stumbling around, talking loudly and my mom was like "Is that guy high?" So we pull into our spot, and we put our windows down because it was hot, and this guy walks up and opens our gas tank. Apparently it's against the law in NJ to pump your own gas? He comes up all creeper and practically leans into our window to take my dad's credit card and tells this stupid joke "Hey, I picked up this girl the other night and I brought her to the beach. She was SO ugly that the tide wouldn't even take her!" At that, my dad was like, and definitely not laughing, "Yeah, I can pump my own gas" and tries to get out of the car, but the guy is like "Nope, it's against the law." So he goes and does that, and of course I roll up my window. I hate creepers like that. Did he think my mom and I, in the car, would appreciate that kind of a joke and laugh? He's walking around while the car is filling up swearing loudly and laughing and just acting like an ass. You definitely wouldn't want to go there as a single woman. It just makes me shudder at the thought of people like that. Who gave him that job? Let me pump my own gas, thank you very much!People are so strange. If you ever go to Cape May and you need gas, don't go to Shell, I guess.
Anyway. On another note, we've been seeing lots of dolphins at the beach, which is awesome. Some kayak-ers went by and they were literally feet away. That would be so amazing.
I am reading book three, Eclipse, of the Twilight series and it is fantastic. Read them, now. Do it.
Anyway, so the beach has been really nice so far. Kim, my cousin, was supposed to be here last night (she went on a school trip to Spain and was supposed to fly into Newark, about three hours from Cape May), but her flight here was cancelled, so instead she flew into JFK and came home to Central PA and my poor Aunt and Uncle drove all the way home to get her. They are currently on their way back and should be here around dinner time! Hooray! As much as I've been enjoying myself, I feel like my vacation won't truly begin until she's here.
As far as what I've actually been doing, since it's me and the parents and aunt and uncle, well, every morning (this is day three, well...technically the second full day) we get up and go the beach. I am very happy to know I'm missing hideous weather at home (tornado watch and storms...sorry guys) and it has been wonderful here. We had a thunderstorm late last night, but it has been very sunny and the breeze is perfect. We stay until about lunch time, come home and get ready and either eat in or go out. Yesterday we had tacos in and today my parents and I went to this place called Boyd's Texas BBQ or something (which I'll talk about later). Then we come home and relax a bit, I play more spider solitaire and read, and eventually we do something like go to the Washington Street Mall (which has a bunch of sweet shops). Last night, we went to Sunset Beach around 7:30 to catch the sunset and collect "Cape May Diamonds" aka rocks. That was really beautiful. I got some really good pictures. We havent' done too much because we want Kim to experience stuff too but we hope to maybe see a dinner show, go the zoo, visit Wildwood, and other such things. So I'm excited.
So, like I said, we ate at Boyd's today. First of all, we pulled into an empty parking lot. We walk in, and it's small and kind of like Messina's maybe, a little bigger, with cowboy decor. We could seat ourselves and they had paper towel rolls for napkins on each table. And also, why does Ketchup say "extra fancy ketchup" on the bottle, as if their brand is much more special because it says extra fancy? What makes it extra fancy? It wasn't in any sort of special bottle. What does the non fancy kind look like? Anyway, so I guess this place was going for a homestyle type of feel. Our waiter...I should say waiterS because apparently some people can't handle a table of three by themselves...was seriously this tall lanky creeper that you could barely understand. And this other dude, some white Italian guy tried to dress as a fancy thug with a studded belt, baggy jeans, and this "driver's cap/ascot hat" that I see my Uncle Carlo or Justin wear (only they don't look stupid). I don't know. He also resembled a short elf too, so the combination was just confusing. Regardless, the food was alright, pretty standard. My dad liked it, but my mom definitely didn't think it was that great. But the fact that all the workers were loudly discussing video games, not even good ones, just dumb ones, and then you couldn't hear/understand our waiters... it was just, I dunno, kinda silly. One of those places you just laugh about later.
On the way home from good ol' Boyd's, we stopped to get gas at a Shell station. As we pull in, there's this overly tanned guy with white hair pulled into a pony tail, stumbling around, talking loudly and my mom was like "Is that guy high?" So we pull into our spot, and we put our windows down because it was hot, and this guy walks up and opens our gas tank. Apparently it's against the law in NJ to pump your own gas? He comes up all creeper and practically leans into our window to take my dad's credit card and tells this stupid joke "Hey, I picked up this girl the other night and I brought her to the beach. She was SO ugly that the tide wouldn't even take her!" At that, my dad was like, and definitely not laughing, "Yeah, I can pump my own gas" and tries to get out of the car, but the guy is like "Nope, it's against the law." So he goes and does that, and of course I roll up my window. I hate creepers like that. Did he think my mom and I, in the car, would appreciate that kind of a joke and laugh? He's walking around while the car is filling up swearing loudly and laughing and just acting like an ass. You definitely wouldn't want to go there as a single woman. It just makes me shudder at the thought of people like that. Who gave him that job? Let me pump my own gas, thank you very much!People are so strange. If you ever go to Cape May and you need gas, don't go to Shell, I guess.
Anyway. On another note, we've been seeing lots of dolphins at the beach, which is awesome. Some kayak-ers went by and they were literally feet away. That would be so amazing.
I am reading book three, Eclipse, of the Twilight series and it is fantastic. Read them, now. Do it.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Well Hello There
This isn't the first time I've ever blogged before. In fact, I had an "xanga" for all of my high school days (well...I posted up until the beginning of senior year until Facebook added the "notes" feature). But it's been quite awhile since I've really done true blogging. I really enjoy reading blogs and I find some of the topics very interesting. I created this blog with the hopes of being able to get back into recording my life for my own self and also for others to read, but I realized, "What can I talk about that could interest others?" In the past, my blogging had been "today I got up and did this. Then I went to school, which was ok. Then it was band--etc." I understand now that while I will enjoy reading it personally, it doesn't have any sort of substance relevant to others. So, I'm stuck in somewhat of a quandary because at the present moment I am on vacation. This, to me and my friends maybe, would be interesting to document, but what more do I have to offer? Or am I just taking the fun out of blogging? I guess my title really does fit because I do ramble a lot. Brian says I do. But I'm okay with that.
I'm mostly inspired to start this by my one really good friend. She shared her blog with me this past weekend and I was very entertained. Not just because I'm interested in what she is up to, but also her insight and her honest thoughts about some of the things she has been experiencing this week. It is my hope that I can capture that kind of blogging.
ANYWAY, on that note, I intend on posting again later. Farewell for now.
I'm mostly inspired to start this by my one really good friend. She shared her blog with me this past weekend and I was very entertained. Not just because I'm interested in what she is up to, but also her insight and her honest thoughts about some of the things she has been experiencing this week. It is my hope that I can capture that kind of blogging.
ANYWAY, on that note, I intend on posting again later. Farewell for now.
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