The Woman at the Well

I have read and heard the story of the Woman at the Well (John 4) countless times. I enjoy the story and feel pretty confident that if I had to talk about it, I could. I can't say that about too many stories in the Bible. This week on the mission trip, TEAMeffort made its focus around this passage and discussed all of the "wells" that humans commonly draw from and how only the living water that God provides will stop our thirst.

During my week in New Orleans, the worship time was interesting, but I didn't feel like I gained too much knowledge from it. I already knew this story. I knew that the woman seeked something that she clearly could not receive from the many husbands she had and definitely not from the people around her. She was an outcast of outcasts. She felt more alone than anything and thirsted for fulfillment that it seemed no one could provide for her. Jesus, a Jew, appearing at the well and even talking to her was a big deal. And then knowing all of her deep thoughts and understanding her situation (not talking down to her). It's no wonder that the woman is filled with hope and joy. Here God was, promising the love and belonging that she had so desperately longed for. The passage ends with her spreading the joy and faith she had to people in the town and how they came to find it themselves, not just from her, but from Jesus himself.

We discussed a lot about what our "wells" were. What things do you constantly draw from but always fall short? Most of us strive for acceptance. Longing for people to like you and admire you. Katherine shared that one of her wells is wanting to be the most important person in someone's life. I realized in that moment that that's exactly one of my wells. I am a needy, clingy person. I long for closeness and intimacy with people. I want to feel special. I want to feel loved and desired. I pour my heart and soul into things, into relationships.

This whole time...this whole trip...I let that become my focus. I wanted to talk to people about things other than "on-the-surface" and feel connected to someone. Realizing the well I had been drawing from became my focus, instead of realizing that this well is NOT the well I should be drinking from. It was almost like I was diving into an understanding of myself and then stopping short of what God was trying to explain to me. That it's not something I should be focusing on.

I may have had some sort of understanding of this. Of knowing it wasn't the right well. I said it to myself and I knew it wasn't. But it didn't really hit me too hard at the time. The whole week I was searching for a mountaintop experience, thinking that I would find God so easily through the work I was doing, or the songs I was singing, or the talks I was listening to. As John pointed out one night (one of the other things that stuck out to me, throughout a mostly non-informative week, if that makes any sense), sometimes we get sucked into these polluted wells. They aren't necessarily bad things at all--going to youth group, camp, or even mission trips. They turn into bad water when you begin to worship the camp, the experience, the activity, and not the God that is behind all of that. That brought me back to when James explained at camp that our problem there is often singing because it sounds beautiful, not because of the worship behind it. It was such an eye opener right there and it smacked me right in the face. For so long, six years in fact, I have literally worshipped Lambec. I use it and expect a big learning experience. It's hard to understand that even if you don't get overwhelmed during worship that it doesn't mean it's not working or important. Anyway, so as John explained this, I started to feel better that I hadn't really felt too much that week. The lessons were interesting, but very much on the surface and things I felt I already knew, minus a few points.

I didn't fully grasp that God was really reaching out to me this week until just a few moments ago. I came away from this trip feeling really interesting. The week was an emotional roller coaster: I laughed a LOT and I also cried at least 4 times. I felt upset and disappointed over some things and really happy and excited about others. It seemed like every expectation any of us had didn't happen or occurred way differently than expected. New Orleans itself was a lot different than any of us had imagined.

When I came home, I realized how truly awesome the trip had been. Isn't that how things usually happen? I find that almost all of high school was like that where you realize how great something was after the fact whereas during it, you feel like somethings weird or not as fun as it could be. But with that, I also realized how I truly messed up. I really hate admitting I do things wrong or that I have issues. But I do. I have problems. This main problem ties back into me seeking that strong relationship with someone. This week, I let that be my focus and I got carried away. I became almost scary, I guess you could say. I tried way too hard and it ended up burning me in the end. When I came to this conclusion (with the honest help from someone) I felt sick to my stomach. How did I let that happen? Why am I like that? What if I scare people away at school? What if I put my heart into something and get REALLY hurt? I'm the type of person that wears their heart on their sleeve and offers it to the person that I feel like I can trust and care about. When I thought about this, I felt awful and dumb and really stupid. I felt like I wasted a week in New Orleans on a mission trip by being so preoccupied about things and trying to seek a connection. I felt like I ruined something great. (and I also made a really big deal about it....like I'm doing now) It just hit me...hard.

So as I was lying in bed, I called out to God. I need you God. I prayed that He would come in and change me, so that I would instead be an instrument of His love. And as I spoke to Him out loud, I realized...HE is the person that I can find this true fulfillment with. I'm like the woman at the well. I constantly thirst for acceptance, love, closeness with someone and as much as I seek it in others, I always felt like I wanted more. And for all the times I read that passage and heard it this week, it actually hit me that God had been trying to teach me that all week! He's been here the whole entire time. He wants to be that close with me. He loves me and knows every dream, goal, hope of mine and every pain, struggle, and worry that I've ever had. He is the closest I can ever get to anyone. And like the woman at the well, I really wanted to talk about it. I originally thought to wait until tomorrow to write (considering I have to be up really early tomorrow for work), but I couldn't contain it. Even if no one reads this, or if they do and all they think is how I really have been a creeper, or better yet, if they realize they have been drawing from the wrong wells too...I want people to know that that "living water" business that He talks about is real. I've heard it so many times, but it's hit home to me now. You will always thirst for something more until you sip that living water that God provides. It's such an awesome analogy, in my opinion. People often feel such a sense of loneliness, even in a crowd of people or among a group of people they love around them, but only when they find that God can and will take away their thirst for more will they stop.

I know it's going to take a long time for me to really grasp and understand this, but I'm so incredibly happy that God used this trip to explain this to me. I came away slightly disappointed from the trip, that I spent nine days and came away feeling sick to my stomach about my actions and thoughts, but now I am happy that I was actually able to learn something REAL. I go to these camps and retreats and trips and I am taught things, valuable things, but rarely does it ever hit you hard in the face, so much that you realize that God has been poking you this whole time and you've finally woken up.

As much as I'm sad that I let myself get to the point of weirdness and clingyness, it had to happen for me to understand it all. It's such a vulnerable time in my life, with college less than two weeks away. It's my time to become the person I want to be and who God wants me to be. I want Him to fill me up and change me. I don't want to be so needy. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to shy away from telling people how I feel or if I'm upset about something. And God knows this.

We were asked to write down on a card what had changed about us this week. I was worried all week that I couldn't find an answer. After an emotional worship that night, I was able to write something down. Something at the time that I felt was pretty good. But, now this is really what changed. What I wrote, I think I already knew in my heart.

So I have less than six hours before I'm supposed to get up for work, but I don't care. I'm realizing more and more as time passes how awesome God is and that while I still have so far to go, I'm happy that I'm learning. I will definitely write later about the actual trip and some other things that have been on my mind, but for now, I must sleep. (Or read Breaking Dawn. Hmm...)